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Confessions from My Couch

Laura Booth

Confession: I haven’t been productive at all really for a few months now. Why? Sometimes I tell myself I’m lazy, I don’t have the energy, drive or motivation, which are all true to some extent, but the real answer is simple: I’ve been depressed. To be completely honest and fair I’m always struggling with depression to some degree, but lately, I have been a bit moreso. I’m not moping around feeling sorry for myself, self-harming, or having over-the-top emotional breakdowns or anything like that, but I have been sleeping excessively and have been waking up in the middle of the night or had more trouble falling asleep than I was just a few months ago. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning to start my day, mainly because:

a) I’m still tired

or

b) I have absolutely no reason or motivation to get up and no real reason to want to start my day

Both of which do make me sound super lazy, I’ll admit. Even on days when I do manage to get up and going, maybe make a decent breakfast or accomplish something productive, I find myself exhausted by the afternoon. I wish there was some magic pill or something to give me back some energy, hope, and motivation to do stuff again. Ugh.

I still think about the things I could be doing, want to be doing, or need to be doing, but can’t seem to get myself to do them. Like job hunting or writing cover letters to apply for jobs. I can’t go back to what I was doing before, and honestly, that awful experience has me wanting to change careers entirely, which also leaves me feeling stuck. I’m not exactly sure where to go, or even where to begin. My previous job wasn’t bad. In fact, most people would be overjoyed to have that job. I worked as a Conservation Technician for the city. It was kind of a glorified park ranger/trail technician/maintenance position for some of the city parks, and it was my second season doing it. Granted, I got my degree 6 years ago, and have only had one job in my career field that was permanent and/or offered insurance, and the pay was barely enough, and sometimes not even that, to get by. All of the other positions were seasonal, and I would find myself out of work and starting the job hunt all over again. I’ve been job hopping for 6 years now, with an awesome degree from a great university, yet still needing medicaid just to make it, sometimes applying for food stamps when my job ends, and constantly stressed about money or what or where my next job will be. I turned 30 this year, which was a big wake up call that I can’t keep doing this. In this outdoorsy career field, I’ve been told by about everyone you have to do your time in the seasonal positions, often 5 years or more depending on where you want to work to find a permanent position; this is considered normal in today’s society. We go through high school, told we need to go to college to be successful. So, you do; you work your butt off thinking it can’t get any worse than this… that once you graduate, you’ll land your career job, make great money, have more free time and can finally have a life again. Maybe you’ll meet your soulmate in college or shortly after and settle down; get married, buy the house and the car with those fabulous butt warmers and maybe even a sunroof!!! Then you’ll make some pretty babies and get a nanny so you can vacation at fancy villas in Italy or have a romantic getaway to Paris….. *sigh*

Overcoming Writer’s Block

Overcoming Writer’s Block

Laura Booth

Writer’s block: when you have so many thoughts, ideas, and emotions to express and no clue where to start or how to organize them.

Well, at least that’s my definition of writer’s block. I found I’ve been battling with that quite a bit over the past month or so. I started strong with my new blog and I had a lot of hopes for it, and I still do. My goal was to continuously be publishing new posts and new content. From the beginning, I had so many topics I wanted to talk about, as well as ideas and thoughts to share. I even wrote an outline of everything I’ve struggled with and had experience with that I wanted to cover. Instead, I find myself constantly thinking, “You should be writing.” That terrible word, should, I know better now than to think that way and how using certain words can trick your brain into thinking differently. For example: instead of using should, and feeling that heavy obligation of thinking I need to do something, and then kicking myself for not doing it, or even just the negative power should subconsciously has over my motivation. It somehow takes away all motivation I once had, or it takes away the ability to creatively think or be in the right headspace necessary to be productive at all. Instead, I replace the word should, with could. Then all of a sudden, I have a choice in the matter, and this heavy weight has been lifted. I don’t beat myself up for not doing it because I could do it rather than should. See the difference? The obligation fades and gives you back the control. I no longer feel worthless, lazy, or unproductive or feel like I need to put myself down for not doing something. I told myself while I was laying in bed, “You could continue laying here, tossing and turning, while random worrisome thoughts race through your mind, or you could get up and get them out while they are fresh on your mind. Lately, when my thoughts were racing or when I would get a creative ah-ha moment while lying in bed, listening to a podcast, or even reading someone else’s blog, more often than not, I would let it just pass me by. Sometimes I’d write some notes down for a different day, but it’s never the same trying to go back to it. So, I have all these different drafts I’ve been working on, and haven’t published even one yet. Mostly because they aren’t complete, and being the perfectionist I am, I only want to put my best and complete work out into the world. Perhaps my habit of procrastination has slowly led to this so called writer’s block. Maybe some of you other writers have struggled with this. What are your thoughts on the matter and how have you overcome writer’s block?

There were several times this week where something upsetting happened and I wanted to use writing to express myself to release the feelings that had been stirred up, whether I posted it or not. For whatever reason though, I couldn’t get the words to come or flow. I just sat here feeling frustrated, fuming, sad, hurt and lonely over various things that happened or words that were said. I was trying my best not to let these feelings and the accompanying thoughts get to me because I know all too well how that ends, and I’m doing my best to avoid a downward spiral to depressionville. That’s why I so desperately needed my creative and expressive outlet to be functioning properly. Through writing, I can somehow turn my past or even present hurts into something beautiful, that others can relate to, or even something that could inspire hope; writing also helps me organize my thoughts and simply make sense of them which helps cease the racing thoughts and anxieties of my mind. 

So, how am I finally breaking my streak and getting words on the page? Well, it was 4:30 A.M. and my mind refused to slow down or turn off. I was tossing and turning and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got out of bed and pulled out my computer. Instead of pulling up the numerous unfinished posts and staring at them like I had been doing, I opened a new one, and instead of trying to write about all the things I’ve been wanting to all this time, I just started writing about what’s actually going on in my mind at that moment, and finally, the words came. What a wonderful feeling that is!

Hurt People Hurt People

Laura Booth
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Part of the healing process is realizing and accepting that you were never at fault, some people are just shitty people. I could finally admit that I was the victim, and know that was ok. Hurt people hurt people, it’s as simple as that, and often it’s the ones closest to them. When I really learned this, I found it easier to forgive those that have hurt me. I struggled with that for a long time, but the fact is forgiveness is something you ultimately give yourself. You aren’t excusing their behavior or saying it’s ok, because it’s not. What you are doing is looking back at the situation from a different perspective, one that stems from compassion. By understanding the back story of someone else and asking yourself things like “What could have happened to this person, maybe as a young kid, that would cause them to act in such a way and treat others so bad?” or “What kind of buried emotions could this person be trying to cover up, compensate for, or make them feel so insecure and untrusting?” for example. With a clearer understanding of the perpetrators perspective, we can begin to release and let go of any residual anger, bitterness, hurt, shame, etc., but the longer you hold onto it, the more it will torment you. Do you think whoever did you wrong is wallowing around, bitter and resentful letting those dark feelings run their life? Through forgiveness, you are freeing yourself, and your soul deserves peace and a fresh start.

In some circumstances, like sexual assault or abuse, giving yourself permission to not to forgive the perpetrator can be equally as freeing and liberating, but remember to forgive yourself. Remember the lessons, but also know that there are good people in the world. Don’t let the memories taint your future happiness.

The most important part of it, is forgiving yourself, which may be the hardest part for some people. I would constantly obsess and reminisce about what I could’ve, should’ve done; how if I wouldn’t have tried so hard or how I should have left or not have gone back… things would be different. Well, that’s a big stinking pile of bullshit! You wanna know why? Because you can’t change people and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. No matter what you do or don’t do, the outcome is the same, because they were still the same person deep down. When you realize you did the best you could in that situation, given what you knew and who you were at that time, you can finally be free!

There is a time and a place for the victim mindset. There is also a time to let it go and shift your mindset from victim to survivor, to warrior, to badass! It definitely takes time; you may not be there yet, and that’s ok. Everyone is on their own path. It’s pointless to compare yourself to someone several steps ahead of you or beat yourself up because you should be _______, fill in the blank. Be gentle with yourself. Take the time to process your emotions, grieve and heal. Find a creative outlet, bonus points if you can express how you feel, find your voice, and finally feel heard.

You may find you need to take time to get to know yourself again. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, then you might have already known what I was talking about in this post. Not all abuse is physical; some of the most damaging abuse is emotional, mental and sexual. It can stay with you for years afterwards. It left me feeling weak, powerless, rejected, replaced, insecure, alone and alienated, and empty. I was like a depressed, blind lost puppy with two broken legs searching for a home I had lost, searching for anything to fill the void. I hated myself. Not long after the abusive narcissist cheated on me and dumped me for a naive, young girl, who happened to have the exact same name as me (wtf?!!), and kicked me out, I turned to anything to numb the pain or distract me. I found myself in bars every night, trying to move on, trying to make new friends, and find myself again, as well as numb the pain and my nervous system and distract myself, often with casual dates. I did this for a few months before I felt the need to just gtfo (get the f*** out) and get as far away from him as I could. I landed a great consulting job in Georgia and left Tennessee, which felt good, it felt like I could move on and start over, at least that was the hope….to be continued…

If you are anything like me, you might find opening up, especially when it leaves you feeling vulnerable, particularly difficult, maybe even impossible. Well, I’ve been trying this new thing: understanding what my fears are (try writing them down!) and why you are afraid of certain things; what uncomfortable feelings are you trying to avoid? Then I started taking steps to face my fears. Something I’ve always been scared of is singing in front of others, because I felt incredibly vulnerable and I would connect with deep, intense emotions, which was also terrifying. I’ve realized just how brave people are that do this in front of others, so I decided to try karaoke! And I’ll be honest, the first song was scary. My hands were trembling and I completely froze. Luckily my roommate with there and he jumped in, and it didn’t seem as scary anymore. He reminded me people do karaoke for shits and giggles mostly, and to have a good time. You don’t have to be good, in fact, most people are terrible, which is why a lot of people go to watch. People are strange like that. After I finished the song, I was so proud of myself for finally just doing it, and that was the best feeling. So, I did another song and then another, and it kept getting easier. Don’t be afraid of your fears and don’t live your whole life in your comfort zone, otherwise, you’ll never know what you could’ve achieved. Don’t let someone else’s darkness dim your beautiful light. Shine on!

Peace and Love,

Laura

Butterfly photo credit: Laura Booth (myself)

Quote #71 It’s Better To Look Back

Photo credit: Delano Maloney Designs

Das Leben beginnt am Ende deiner Komfort-Zone ... Coaching hilft dabei, die… More

Photo credit: greatist.com

Photo credit: Unknown. Please contact me if this is your work so I can credit you.
The comfort zone is the red light district of personal growth. It’s all stop signs and rear view living. Its time to rezone your perspective and move into the magical space of new possibility. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Photo credit: Soulseeds

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Mikel Strickland Sr.
Mikel Strickland Sr. saved to life motivation
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Just make it stop!

Laura Booth
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What do you do when you’re feeling down? How about when you’re feeling really depressed? Take a second and really think about it.
If you’re anything like me, you may sleep too much during the day, stay up late doing absolutely nothing remotely productive (Game of Thrones for the forth time through perhaps?), then you might beat yourself up for being a slob and wasting your days getting nothing accomplished. You might go multiple days without a shower (don’t judge! we all do it from time to time), eat almost nothing or eat your feelings, and you might find it particularly difficult to get up in the morning and go to a job that makes you feel even worse. It could be because you don’t feel heard or seen, are constantly walked all over, and no one seems to give a shit or show any sensitivity or compassion whatsoever. Everyone needs to feel valued and appreciated. Instead you get railed day after day and are always on your ass. Do I need to get a hall pass to go pee?!!! Being micromanaged is the worst!!
https://gfycat.com/scrawnycalculatingbuzzard
Dealing with this everyday really started to get to me, and I became more and more depressed…again. Ugh…I was doing so good!

I’ve been told in the past I can be very negative. That was hard to hear, especially from someone I wasn’t particularly fond of, but he was right. Growing up with, having friends, or just being around anyone that is negative or has a pessimistic outlook on the world, people and life in general is suffocating. That was the kick in the ass I needed to see something unpleasant in myself, acknowledge it, and change it. I’m guessing if you suffer from depression in any form, you know how hard this can be. Your brain has become fantastically wired to f*** with you, to bring your demons out into the open, to constantly remind you of everything that may not be going the way you wish it was, and make every single tiny thing seem like the worst thing ever. Anxiety sometimes accompanies this. It feeds into your past traumas, fears, self-doubts, and insecurities. It loves you to feel like you’ve lost control. We’ll get into anxiety more in another post… Depending on how bad your depression is, this may be the part where suicidal thoughts come creeping on. I know better than to act on them, at least now I do, and that has a lot to do with being in a better place than I was years ago.

Depression and I go way back. It started really becoming apparent in high school, and I didn’t realize that until this year to be perfectly honest. I was reading through some of my writings, poems and songs from back then and like a light bulb, suddenly it made perfect sense: the gothic clothes, love for singing along to Evanescence songs, writing poems about pain and rejection, and even the way I decorated my room. I always looked back at those less than stellar times as me being a typical hormonal teenager. That wasn’t exactly the case I see now…  but that was my normal, and I didn’t know any better or anything else. That’s just was who I was: the gothic-punk misunderstood band geek who’s happy and safe place was swinging on the swing sets at an elementary school play ground, at midnight. There was something so peaceful, tranquil, comforting and familiar about it. The silence was beautiful and the light breeze was refreshing and rejuvenating. It made me feel alive and hopeful again in my darkest, loneliest and weakest moments. Having these moments, singing, journaling, playing music, and just writing in general was how I dealt with my depression then.

Those dark, heavy and deep emotions I was only able to connect to through singing were just the tip of the iceberg of years of repressed emotions and deep subconscious hysteria from traumatic childhood memories that I couldn’t even remember. That’s what our brains do – they protect us from pain, trauma, and anything else it deems potentially harmful. That’s also part of our fight or flight response. So, to protect me from painful,  memories it couldn’t possibly know how to process at a young age, and the feelings attached to those memories, it buried them deep down into my subconscious. I never even imagined those particular memories or certain times in my life could possibly be a major source of the pain and suffering that has been so debilitating over the years and caused so much distress, anguish, and anxiety. I would’ve never guessed it could have had such a strong impact on me and my life as an adult almost two decades later.

Over the years throughout my healing journey, I’ve been tirelessly searching for anything that would help me feel better. I’ve tried so many different things for mental, emotional and spiritual health, as well as anything to help relieve these associated physical pains that manifested in my body from years of intense stress. I’ve researched, looked into and tried anything I could get my hands on. I tried prayer in my most desperate times (that’s a whole other article right there). I’ve tried and used acupuncture, trigger point, massages, numerous doctor visits and tests, long-term chiropractic care, medication, and so much more for the physical pain. I’ve used and tried therapists and counseling, group therapy, out-patient care at a mental health facility, medication, psychiatrists, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, coloring, journaling, time in nature, numerous medications, music, alcohol, sex, drugs, holistic methods and practices, herbs in various forms, marijuana, and so much more with varying results in hopes of any  bit of relief mentally and emotionally (I’ll go more in depth on this as well at a later time). I just wanted to make it stop. I just wanted to be normal. To have a normal family, normal childhood, normal home, normal anything… I wonder if some people have an abnormal life or experience because they were never made or meant to be normal. I wonder if some of us go through horrible things and have a tough life because we are the ones that were given the strength (unbeknownst to me) to somehow endure and persevere so we can turn around and lend a hand to someone who can relate and resonate with your story and your truth. Maybe because we were meant for bigger things, meant to make a bigger impact by sparking change and hope in the hearts and souls of others in need. Perhaps everyone has their own story with unique experiences, trials, tribulations and we are meant to use those experiences, the wisdom and knowledge gained, and a special ability and deep levels of empathy and sensitivity to connect to others on a deeper level that couldn’t have even imagined…

Welcome to Mental Mind Morph!

Welcome to Mental Mind Morph!

Laura Booth

Welcome Everyone!

So you may be wondering, what is Mental Mind Morph and what is this blog going to be about? Well, everyone has a story. Most people have experienced heartbreak, anxiety, grief, loss, depression, physical or mental pain on some level. I’m here to share my story and experiences with having Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and Complex PTSD. It has taken me a long time and a lot of self work to get to this point. Mental health is practically a taboo topic; no one wants to talk about it, but it’s a serious issue that affects millions of people. Many people that struggle with mental health are afraid to even admit it much less reach out for help. I was once one of these people, scared to admit even to myself that something was wrong, even though all the signs and symptoms were there. I didn’t want to appear weak or be wrongly judged by others and I didn’t think anyone would understand or even care.

I have spent many years trying everything to get better; I’ve made it my mission and have been consuming as much knowledge as possible from numerous books, various online resources such as TED talks, doctors, counselors and therapists, holistic healers, friends, podcasts, and many other suffers with a wide variety of mental illnesses. I hope by sharing my journey of self awareness, growth and healing as well as what has helped make a difference for me and some of the tips, tricks, exercises, and habits I’ve been using, I can spare you some of the agony and torment I went through. I gladly welcome you to this journey we embark on together; I hope to help you succeed on your path to a happier, healthier, fulfilling and purposeful life that everyone deserves to have!

Peace and Love,

Laura

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The Journey Begins

The Journey Begins

Laura Booth

Thanks for joining me! Today is the day I decided to face my fears, embrace my vulnerabilities, and love my insecurities. Healing is a process and a journey.  Today is the day I embark on a new journey, of sharing my experiences, lessons, and thoughts in a bigger way than I could’ve thought possible for me: through blogging, and therefore, very publically coming out and sharing some of my deepest, innermost horrors and secrets, but also some of the most enlightened type of healing and most awakening experiences I’ve had, which were like a dream. So.. here we go!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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