Confessions from My Couch

Confession: I haven’t been productive at all really for a few months now. Why? Sometimes I tell myself I’m lazy, I don’t have the energy, drive or motivation, which are all true to some extent, but the real answer is simple: I’ve been depressed. To be completely honest and fair I’m always struggling with depression to some degree, but lately, I have been a bit moreso. I’m not moping around feeling sorry for myself, self-harming, or having over-the-top emotional breakdowns or anything like that, but I have been sleeping excessively and have been waking up in the middle of the night or had more trouble falling asleep than I was just a few months ago. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning to start my day, mainly because:

a) I’m still tired

or

b) I have absolutely no reason or motivation to get up and no real reason to want to start my day

Both of which do make me sound super lazy, I’ll admit. Even on days when I do manage to get up and going, maybe make a decent breakfast or accomplish something productive, I find myself exhausted by the afternoon. I wish there was some magic pill or something to give me back some energy, hope, and motivation to do stuff again. Ugh.

I still think about the things I could be doing, want to be doing, or need to be doing, but can’t seem to get myself to do them. Like job hunting or writing cover letters to apply for jobs. I can’t go back to what I was doing before, and honestly, that awful experience has me wanting to change careers entirely, which also leaves me feeling stuck. I’m not exactly sure where to go, or even where to begin. My previous job wasn’t bad. In fact, most people would be overjoyed to have that job. I worked as a Conservation Technician for the city. It was kind of a glorified park ranger/trail technician/maintenance position for some of the city parks, and it was my second season doing it. Granted, I got my degree 6 years ago, and have only had one job in my career field that was permanent and/or offered insurance, and the pay was barely enough, and sometimes not even that, to get by. All of the other positions were seasonal, and I would find myself out of work and starting the job hunt all over again. I’ve been job hopping for 6 years now, with an awesome degree from a great university, yet still needing medicaid just to make it, sometimes applying for food stamps when my job ends, and constantly stressed about money or what or where my next job will be. I turned 30 this year, which was a big wake up call that I can’t keep doing this. In this outdoorsy career field, I’ve been told by about everyone you have to do your time in the seasonal positions, often 5 years or more depending on where you want to work to find a permanent position; this is considered normal in today’s society. We go through high school, told we need to go to college to be successful. So, you do; you work your butt off thinking it can’t get any worse than this… that once you graduate, you’ll land your career job, make great money, have more free time and can finally have a life again. Maybe you’ll meet your soulmate in college or shortly after and settle down; get married, buy the house and the car with those fabulous butt warmers and maybe even a sunroof!!! Then you’ll make some pretty babies and get a nanny so you can vacation at fancy villas in Italy or have a romantic getaway to Paris….. *sigh*