Just make it stop!

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What do you do when you’re feeling down? How about when you’re feeling really depressed? Take a second and really think about it.
If you’re anything like me, you may sleep too much during the day, stay up late doing absolutely nothing remotely productive (Game of Thrones for the forth time through perhaps?), then you might beat yourself up for being a slob and wasting your days getting nothing accomplished. You might go multiple days without a shower (don’t judge! we all do it from time to time), eat almost nothing or eat your feelings, and you might find it particularly difficult to get up in the morning and go to a job that makes you feel even worse. It could be because you don’t feel heard or seen, are constantly walked all over, and no one seems to give a shit or show any sensitivity or compassion whatsoever. Everyone needs to feel valued and appreciated. Instead you get railed day after day and are always on your ass. Do I need to get a hall pass to go pee?!!! Being micromanaged is the worst!!
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Dealing with this everyday really started to get to me, and I became more and more depressed…again. Ugh…I was doing so good!

I’ve been told in the past I can be very negative. That was hard to hear, especially from someone I wasn’t particularly fond of, but he was right. Growing up with, having friends, or just being around anyone that is negative or has a pessimistic outlook on the world, people and life in general is suffocating. That was the kick in the ass I needed to see something unpleasant in myself, acknowledge it, and change it. I’m guessing if you suffer from depression in any form, you know how hard this can be. Your brain has become fantastically wired to f*** with you, to bring your demons out into the open, to constantly remind you of everything that may not be going the way you wish it was, and make every single tiny thing seem like the worst thing ever. Anxiety sometimes accompanies this. It feeds into your past traumas, fears, self-doubts, and insecurities. It loves you to feel like you’ve lost control. We’ll get into anxiety more in another post… Depending on how bad your depression is, this may be the part where suicidal thoughts come creeping on. I know better than to act on them, at least now I do, and that has a lot to do with being in a better place than I was years ago.

Depression and I go way back. It started really becoming apparent in high school, and I didn’t realize that until this year to be perfectly honest. I was reading through some of my writings, poems and songs from back then and like a light bulb, suddenly it made perfect sense: the gothic clothes, love for singing along to Evanescence songs, writing poems about pain and rejection, and even the way I decorated my room. I always looked back at those less than stellar times as me being a typical hormonal teenager. That wasn’t exactly the case I see now…  but that was my normal, and I didn’t know any better or anything else. That’s just was who I was: the gothic-punk misunderstood band geek who’s happy and safe place was swinging on the swing sets at an elementary school play ground, at midnight. There was something so peaceful, tranquil, comforting and familiar about it. The silence was beautiful and the light breeze was refreshing and rejuvenating. It made me feel alive and hopeful again in my darkest, loneliest and weakest moments. Having these moments, singing, journaling, playing music, and just writing in general was how I dealt with my depression then.

Those dark, heavy and deep emotions I was only able to connect to through singing were just the tip of the iceberg of years of repressed emotions and deep subconscious hysteria from traumatic childhood memories that I couldn’t even remember. That’s what our brains do – they protect us from pain, trauma, and anything else it deems potentially harmful. That’s also part of our fight or flight response. So, to protect me from painful,  memories it couldn’t possibly know how to process at a young age, and the feelings attached to those memories, it buried them deep down into my subconscious. I never even imagined those particular memories or certain times in my life could possibly be a major source of the pain and suffering that has been so debilitating over the years and caused so much distress, anguish, and anxiety. I would’ve never guessed it could have had such a strong impact on me and my life as an adult almost two decades later.

Over the years throughout my healing journey, I’ve been tirelessly searching for anything that would help me feel better. I’ve tried so many different things for mental, emotional and spiritual health, as well as anything to help relieve these associated physical pains that manifested in my body from years of intense stress. I’ve researched, looked into and tried anything I could get my hands on. I tried prayer in my most desperate times (that’s a whole other article right there). I’ve tried and used acupuncture, trigger point, massages, numerous doctor visits and tests, long-term chiropractic care, medication, and so much more for the physical pain. I’ve used and tried therapists and counseling, group therapy, out-patient care at a mental health facility, medication, psychiatrists, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, coloring, journaling, time in nature, numerous medications, music, alcohol, sex, drugs, holistic methods and practices, herbs in various forms, marijuana, and so much more with varying results in hopes of any  bit of relief mentally and emotionally (I’ll go more in depth on this as well at a later time). I just wanted to make it stop. I just wanted to be normal. To have a normal family, normal childhood, normal home, normal anything… I wonder if some people have an abnormal life or experience because they were never made or meant to be normal. I wonder if some of us go through horrible things and have a tough life because we are the ones that were given the strength (unbeknownst to me) to somehow endure and persevere so we can turn around and lend a hand to someone who can relate and resonate with your story and your truth. Maybe because we were meant for bigger things, meant to make a bigger impact by sparking change and hope in the hearts and souls of others in need. Perhaps everyone has their own story with unique experiences, trials, tribulations and we are meant to use those experiences, the wisdom and knowledge gained, and a special ability and deep levels of empathy and sensitivity to connect to others on a deeper level that couldn’t have even imagined…

15 thoughts on “Just make it stop!

  • I’ve been through hard times before, when I was upset that things aren’t the way I want them. I came up with a list. You compare yourself to a homeless Orphan.

    Write down all your blessings, from your upbringing, to your childhood friends, your supportive family members, education. All your friendships. Take a mental inventory of everything you own, and write it all down. Your potential opportunities, your good status on a background check, driving record, etc.. your accomplishments, your car, your clothes, your TV, your smartphone, your health! Being able bodied is a huge blessing! Take time and remember it all!! Make a list. I titled mine, Things to be thankful for.

    Remember, you have been an Orphan your whole life, and now your practically all alone in the world.

    When I completed my list I looked at it and realized how wealthy I really am, and it made me focus on being productive with everything I have built, with all my blessings. I saved a picture on the background of smartphone, so it was a constant reminder.

    This book is inspiring and valuable I think. $15 at Walmart.

    Jesus Calling, By Sarah Young.

    She cites the passages on each page, and she rewrote them so it’s like Jesus is talking to you personally. Each daily passage only takes about 60 seconds to read. I think it’s inspirational and easy to read quickly, compared to studying a bible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Jason! Thanks for checking out my blog site! What do you think so far? I’ve only had it almost a week (tomorrow evening makes a week)!
      I think I’ve actually read that book! A friend let me borrow their copy. It was good!
      That’s a good idea though about the list and comparing yourself to an orphan. I felt like an orphan often growing up and often asked if I was adopted (I could’ve sworn I was, we had absolutely nothing in common and would fight all the time).

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  • I can relate to a lot of you talking about struggling and getting depressed at times, I guess you have to do what you think you need to do sometimes. I’ve found that a good church with good fellowship can help a lot. I think being Inspired can heal a lot of the things that we focus on that aren’t productive. That List, will help you realize how Special you are, and how much you have going for you, and how much you have built up to this point. Our minds naturally shift toward negativity, and we need inspiration to pull it back up. It’s kinda like a personal attitude adjustment, except your being inspired and influenced positively! People rub off on eachother overtime, whether you realize it or not. When I’m not inspired, or around uplifting people enough, it can seem like the smaller difficulties during the week, can become large! Because your mind naturally slides toward negativity, and those difficulties are negative. Unresolved things you don’t understand that have no answer, can make you negative, and I think it’s really valuable to have those people in your circle of friends, that embrace more positive, inspirational, uplifting type friendships. People can pull you up to their level, or accidentally pull you down to their negative mindset level. Random perspective knowledge. 🙂

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  • I think your a lot more in depth of a personality than I realized, yeah I had a lot of family arguments through highschool and stuff also, mostly with the old man. I lived at a lot of my friends families homes through school. But at the same time, I’ve got friends that wish they had a Father! So I guess Ya got to keep your perspective fair and balanced.

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  • I’m actually really private about my vunerabilities because people will use it agianst you and spread rumours and criticize you, in a way that is meant to make you look, not up to par.

    But I started smoking weed with the old man when I was 16 years old. Single parent household. I guess it kept me from getting involved in hard drugs, but at the same time… I dunno you kinda just got to do what you think is best sometimes, I guess. I stopped smoking weed when I started college, because it messed with my short term memory for studying. Also I didn’t like the possibility of failing a drug test for 30 days if I decided to smoke weed. I would probably freak out these days if I smoked weed, but when I was young, I was smoking it all day, all the time!

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  • Here is your mental mind morph, and it’s free! Make your detailed list of things to be thankful for, take pic, save as background on phone. Make yourself go run 2 miles regularly. A lot of people can’t make themselves run like that, it can be hard. And your hormones balance, get endorphins rushes, become more patient, happy. Mental Mind Morph! Life is a constant balancing act and it takes work. :)!!!!!

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  • I guess if you count your blessings, and try and change your thinking to being thankful that helps. I’ve thought before… legally, I could have been disowned when I was 18 years old. Or have nobody in the world, or have more health problems, Ya know sometimes Ya gotta pull yourself out of thinking in unhealthy ways. My trick is to realize that I’ve actually got SO MUCH Going for me and so many blessings, and things really could be a lot harder!! So be thankful and do what you can to live healthier and happier, by adjusting however you can! Can’t remember these things all the time, so it’s nice to be reminded. Also I think a church with good fellowship that inspires you can be good for people also!

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  • Can’t change the past, try not to focus on it too much. Count your blessings, realize what you have going for you and focus on that, change the future.

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  • God designed us to be social people, not isolated. So the more social interactions you have, the healthier you may feel. That’s why inspiring fellowship at a church that you like, is good for you!! Don’t give up on church if you didn’t like the first few you visited. You will eventually find the one that fits you!

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